Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Never ever let me type my feelings out... But I do it anyway. Sigh...

If you were to ask me why in this semester I am different from the last two semesters, well.. It all goes back to semester break. Not going into personal life here, but let's just say that something quite 'big' had happened and it changed me completely.. Which is... As in... In the context of how I am thinking and how I am trying to react to all those events (in which we will never ever discuss about). But I guess, those events that had occurred are really a something. Maybe it was a wake up call for me to stop being too comfortable and get out of my comfort zone. Like what 'ibu' always say : Trials and tribulations are just a part of life. It sticks like glue!

Eheh. It's funny how I am obedient to what 'ibu' always say. Smiles.

But, you know, she's right. There is no such thing as life without problems. Life without trials. Life without hardship. We all go through it every single day, and the only difference is in how we react to them. But I'm guessing I've been reacting to them in such a negative way that I began to be dragging myself down into the slumps again. Ugh! I always hated to be in such condition, but then again, I always drag myself into it anyhow. Sigh.

'Ibu' and 'Ayah' was right. Drastic change is hard, that is why we do it slowly, and alhamdulillah, I know I am better than how I was before. To think back of all the things that I had done... Ugh.. I better don't think about it. Shudders.

But, if I didn't experienced any of it, then I wouldn't be who I am now wouldn't I? Smiles. I have Allah to thank. He had taught me a lot through all those, and I am still learning to 'walk' again, slowly and patiently (I hope!).

The third semester for a diploma in counselling, and only now I can understand what 'ibu' had always told me : The outside world is even more scarier! Shrugs!

I hundred percent believe that now that I am living it. I guess the only thing that hasn't changed in me is fear. I used to remember having panic attacks quite often during school life. Those anxieties. Ugh! Quite disturbing actually. I still suffer from all these panic attacks and anxieties outbursts. Sweats. Mar, you really haven't changed that much, eh! Wink.

Anyway, like I was saying... In the aspects of lifestyle, yes, I've changed. But in the context of the tranquillity of the mind, and the mental state of mind, not so. I need to keep on reminding myself that I am NO LONGER alone, and I will never be alone. I have 'them' now. Forever 'them'.

'Ayah' had always told me to make more friends. Eheh. I know. I know.. I was quite a loner back then eh. Not to forget such an anti-social! Sweats.

Alhamdulillah, ever since I went to college, I begin to like to socialize. But, some things just don't change. I still to prefer being alone and out of place from other people. I guess I just got used to it, and it became a lifetime routine, eh?

Sigh..

I've been reflecting about myself a lot lately, and insomnia has really taken its toll in my life now -- again.

The thing about me is that.. I linger. I always linger, but it's like an autonomic response and I just couldn't control it in my own will. It happens, just because it does.

Nah. I'm just making excuses. I linger because I chose to. Maybe I'm just still holding on to those pasts. To those days.

Eh, guess what? It's 25th June. 5 days before 'that day'. Shrugs!

It has been, I don't know... 5 years already? Wow! How time really flies, eh? Wink.

I admit though, I was reckless before. I was fourteen. How should I know? But under those circumstances at the time, how could you blame me for it? Sigh. But, who else to blame but me anyway? It was my actions anyway..

Ugh. I need to forget about them.

But I can't. The memories are vivid. Clearer than the blue sky. Clearer than calm water. Clearer as clear as you could ever imagine! Yikes!

I don't understand the point of this post now, but I had always loved typing (or writing). I used to write a lot, but I stopped after one event that made me hate writing. I don't hate it, but.. It's complicated, okay?

I used to remember my teachers telling me I should become a writer one day.The kind of writers who write about true stories. Erk. True stories? Heh. Smiles. Good times they were... Good times...

Sigh. I am nineteen, but I feel like as if I'm stuck being fourteen or fifteen. What?

I told you that I linger a lot. Cries.

People had always told me that I suppress my feelings too much. Hm. They're right, and I don't want to wrong them about that fact. I know about that. I wasn't like this before.

Eh! What am I typing now? Sigh.

This is what happens when Mar starts typing and gets emotional. Screw you and your emotions, Mar.

The questions I had been asking myself :

Am I able to redeem myself for what I had done?

Am I forgiveable after what I did?

Am I still vile and unforgiven?

Will I ever make it through the end?

Will I relapsed?

Am I still okay? Had I ever been okay?

'Ibu' was right. And lately, 'he' was right. I really need to change myself. I really need to stop lingering. I really need to slap myself in the face just so that I can be fully aware of what is really going on. EH! Does that even make sense?

I'm confused. Really, I am...

'Ibu'... You had been in my mind a lot lately.. I miss you...

2:45 AM

Madza ya'ni

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