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Thursday, October 4, 2012
Self reflection. Two posts in a day. A start of something new, perhaps? When we talk about responsibility, we are talking about being serious. Cause with responsibility, comes problems, and with a combination of both responsibility and problems, we are becoming more and more matured. What has responsibility got to do with me today? Okay. Basically, I am a sister. An older sister to my little sister, and a little sister to both my older sister and my brother. Which entirely means that I am the third of four siblings. Now, you may be asking yourself.. Why am I telling you this? In growing up to becoming who am I now, today, at this very moment, it took a lot of effort and hardship. I've faced days of depression, days of self-hatred, days of being confused about life, until one day I found out that everything about life is to be appreciated and to be thankful of. What my mistake was in the past was that I forgot about Islam. I forgot to thank Allah for everything. I forgot the beauty of life itself. I grew up as a rebellious teen. Always wanting everything to be fun and free of rules. Doing reckless and stupid things. And then just like that, I was isolated. Abandoned by my friends. (Not exactly every single one of them ; I still have a few close and best friends now, alhamdulillah) What I thought I was doing in the past were actions I thought was right, when truth be told would be were just wrong. To break the rules, and to break the law, was that what I call fun before? Astaghfirullahalazim.. What my past has to do with today's post? Easy. I am a sister who has a responsibility to take care of my little sister. Everyone knows that I really love her. If anything were to happen to her, I would easily cry. In fact, just thinking of something bad were to happen to her will make me cry. My love towards my little sister (and my other siblings) are that strong. Despite being a rebellious teen before, what people always misinterpret me was that I am a heartless teen, which actually is cruel, mean and not true. I have a heart. I have emotions. Everyone has emotions. We were created with emotions. It is how we control our emotions that needs to be thought of. Despite being reckless and stupid before, what I've learnt from those moments were love. I learnt to love people around me rather than I stayed as a depressed and moping teen, in which I think I was just being ridiculous at the time. To take care of my little sister takes a lot of work and pain, and actually, it made me think.. Was I that hard to raise before? Am I even harder to raise than her? Will my little sister become me? What will happen if she were to become like me before? What will be my response? What actions should I take to prevent that from happening? I know I shouldn't be over-thinking (or else I'll destroy myself with more and more anxious thoughts), but I need to reflect towards my past actions. I am trying to prevent, to avoid, to not let what my past happen to my little sister. She is too precious for me, and I want her to be better than me. And actually, everyone expects her to be better than me. What do I expect from her? Am I, or are we putting too much of a burden on her? The answer to that question lies in her, and I have no rights or has no exact answer to that question. But what I expect from her is this phase now. She's 13 and she will eventually take a toll in the rebellious phase. I fully understand what she feels. Peer pressure is the best killer medicine there is. Although there are kinds of peer pressure which can lead to positivity, but somehow, it's hard to find those these days. When my little sister cries, I become upset and though at times I am mad at her, but my love of her grow firm and stronger each day. There are just times where I would accidentally burst my flames at her (which actually is a terrible habit I have ever since form 2), but I would feel guilty after that. But you know, it kills me now that I don't know her current actual condition in Kuching. The second question has two answers : Yes and no. As a family, to put hope in each member is something normal. But to put too much hope becomes a burden at times. I may not know or even come close to understand about the current state of my little sister's mental mind, but I know that sometimes it becomes her burden, especially now, with the current situation that we all have to face at the moment. I can't even come close to understanding what her emotions are giving with the current situation she has to face now. Now, all I need to do is pray for the best, for kakak, abang and kecik.    And yes, I don't have a PROPER picture of my brother. :/ And yes, I miss my family.  And here's the queen of my heart. :) <3 I love my family, and I miss them.. :( It's still a long way to go till I'm back in Kuching... 7:49 PM
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Madza ya'ni My life is based on the phrases stated in the Quran, where Allah has told us : 51:56 "And [tell them that] I have not created the invisible beings and men to any end other than that they may [know and] worship Me." and also, 2:30 "Note that occasion, when your Rabb said to the angels: I am going to place a vicegerent on earth. The angels said: "Will You place there one who will make mischief and shed blood while we sing Your praises and glorify Your name?" Allah said: "I know what you know not."" Our purposes of life has been clearly stated in the Quran, So, why do we still to continue live otherwise? Greater people Clearly speaking, these people down here are just wonderful people. Give them a ring-a-ding-ding once in a while! :) Ira (1) Ira (2) Farahin APG (Inche Gabbana) |
