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Friday, August 2, 2013
Ramadhan is coming to an end...  Ramadhan is coming to an end. It's quite sad actually that Ramadhan has to end. I love Ramadhan. A lot. Though I must say, my Ramadhan for this year is filled with some problems that's inevitable and predictable to happen. But hey, that's life, I guess.. Nothing is impossible. And when Ramadhan is drawing near to its end, Eid is just around the corners. If you're in college, all you could hear or listen to are the chatters of people talking about the colour of their Eid clothes, what usually happens during Eid in their hometown, the memories they have regarding Eid during their childhood, what they're going to eat, and most importantly, all around you are cheery and happy Eid songs being played loudly. Ah, yes. All around all you could see are the happiness, and excitement of people wanting to greet Eid after Ramadhan. What about me? Hm. That's a pretty tough question. Aha! Well, not so tough actually. What I have in mind regarding Eid is... Well.. Nothing. I see Eid as the beginning of a new month and nothing more than that. A month that is filled with happiness for the people I love and cherish the most. It may not be that of a blissful month for me, but hey, at least my friends, family, relatives and the people around me are happy, so I should be happy too. Their happiness is my happiness. Ha! That's just me blabbering about how the end of every Ramadhan spent by (almost) everyone in Malaysia, ladies and gents! The happiest moments in every year are the end of Ramadhan and the beginning of Eid. As for me this year, I am spending Eid differently. No details, but let's just say that it's completely different from my previous Eids. Hm. ----------------- Let's change topic. I had a chat with this brother of mine in college. We talked about the Islamic finance, Islamic economy, about him being the head prefect in his previous school, about his views on Malaysia's academic system, about my life in college, about what happened recently in my life, and I don't know. The list goes on, I guess. But it was mostly him that did the talking. Haha. What? I enjoy listening to people talk, even if I don't understand most of them. hahaha. But one topic I grew interested in : academic system. Ah.. I'm not here to talk and state out my opinion regarding any academic system there is. No. I'd rather not let my views to be known publicly. And I do agree with what he said yesterday : Malaysian students are sad. Why? Well, I forgot all the factors and points he told me, but I have the image of understanding why. Even I am sad being a student. Maybe because I don't really enjoy studying that much. Haha. Two semesters already, and I don't feel like I progressed in anything. >_< Shouldn't I be progressing a lot, especially because I'm taking counselling as a course? I need practical life -- fast! I guess I'm just not the type who studies with books that much. I'm more of a Mathematics geek. I enjoy being with a calculator. And I'm more likely to spend my time with learning languages rather than to read and understand counselling theories. AH! I should have taken that diploma in Psychology. At least psychology is different than counselling. I get to learn about mental illnesses. Muahahaha!! But what is done cannot be undone..  Ah, don't mind the cute perky adorable sheep above. It's so cute! Can I hug it? Haha! :D Anyway, back to topic... To me, reading a book and memorizing theories or principles of any topic is boring. I get frustrated a lot. I want something that makes my mind go wild with imagination and makes me have to think hard. For example, when doing Mathematical problems. That's why I used to teach English and Mathematics during high school. Good times. I miss teaching. I forgot my intentions in blogging now. -_- If I'm going to be honest, college life really sucks actually. >_< There's absolutely nothing to do, and believe me, life during high school was boring enough, and I really don't want college life to turn out the same. Sigh. I want to travel. I remembered my trip to Australia. As a tourist, I did have fun. Well, just because I love being in a community where English is spoken, I guess. Haha. And the food~ The scenic views. The sky there. Gosh. I miss Australia a lot. But as the youngest person in the Malaysian community there (I mean, amongst the students. What? I lived with my sister, what. haha), it felt awkward. :| Why awkward? Because at the time, naudzubillah, I wasn't the girl who takes religion seriously. I guess my trip there changed me. I mean, changed my views regarding religion. Hm. I miss Australia. Seriously. I should go there again this November. :) I'll think about it... I should have renewed my Passport last May. -_- Oh well. Gonna renew it next Monday. InsyaAllah. I have plans for that passport.. Insert evil laugh here. Aaahhh.. I want to travel and see the world. :C Okay. I'm just tired and bored. I need to get a life. My flight going back to Kuching is tomorrow night, and before that flight, I have to babysit Tini's lil sister. At least I won't be alone tomorrow, but Zanah's flight is an hour earlier than mine. >_<" Please don't let me be alone in KLIA. I get lost easily there. -_- Random shits. K bye. 8:37 PM
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Thankful. It's pretty weird that whenever something happen in my life, I would always have this urge to post about it here. It's really weird, to be honest. I guess I just have that habit to just share all my experiences for the world to know and try to understand, though I doubt any one can understand it fully. I do know that my sharing bits are always dull and depressing, but I don't know.. I just have this comfort in typing about it. Regarding today's post (ie Thankful), yes, I am thankful. What am I talking about? I am thankful for a brother of mine in college. A brother? What brother? A brother of the same aqidah that I love and grateful to have. Why? He had helped me through a lot, actually. Not only just recently, but ever since I met him, he had helped me through a lot. And I do understand why everyone calls him awesome, because to me, he is awesome in so many levels. Maybe just because I'm a little sister that I think highly of him, but to me, that's good. For you see, my motivation level is quite low, and at least after knowing him, I have someone to look up to. Yesterday was the roughest patch of my life, and I broke down entirely. It felt like 4 years ago. Everything seemed dark and horrifying, but alhamdulillah, it seemed like Allah had given me another day to still be here, holding on, and alhamdulillah, abg was there too. I know.. I do sound too dependant of him, but.. Ah.. No one will ever get it. I am thankful that, every single time I broke down, rather than to deal with it alone like how I used to do before, I now have abg (and also my friends). I am thankful that I now have people who wishes me to stay in their lives for good, rather than to deal with people who wishes me to be gone for good. I am thankful. More thankful than how I used to be before. And I want to stay thankful. It's just beyond words could ever explain. I know I relapsed again yesterday (regarding a bad habit here this one), but I didn't do it all the way through. It was different. It felt different. Gosh. I sound so depressing. And it's funny really if I were to say so myself. I presented about 'Depression' yesterday in The Basic of Human Development class. Presenting about that acted like a switch for me. Just after that presentation, I became one of the said patients of depression. How shameful. Aahhh.. I need to go back to basics. Back to square one, just like how ibu told me to the last time I saw her. Back to square one, she says. Remember that, Mar. Believe.. ------------- I don't recommend anyone to fully understand this post, but hey, I don't know... Let's just read and forget. 9:00 PM
Monday, July 22, 2013
Questions.  Ostracising someone from a social group is really a cruel thing. Okay. That was random. But isn't it true? Just for a thought. Anyway, the real point in this post is regarding the questions that had been going through my head lately... Recently in Theories in Counselling class, we talked about what makes a good counsellor, or was it the characteristics of a successful counsellor.. And I just realized that I'm going to be a counsellor (well, assistant counsellor that is) after my diploma, but most importantly, I'm going to have clients after this, and to be honest, I don't think I'm that capable in becoming a counsellor. Why? I can't even counsel myself, then how the hell can I counsel someone else? Ahh.. I'm going to learn about that later on anyway, so that's not really a big deal for me.. But what's the big deal about this post that makes it so important to me? Will I able to do all this? That's the question. Yes. That's the question. Will Mardyati be able to do it? But, without effort, wouldn't I be answering it without having to prove it? Eh? Sigh. And no, that's not the only questions that had been in my mind all these while.. That's just one of it.. And recently, or rather, just this evening during class, we talked about changing counsellors, where the counsellor is encouraged to transfer his/her client to another counsellor if they aren't able to cope with the client, or the client just reminds him/her about traumas or they just can't continue.. And then I thought.. What if I am going to be a counsellor that's not suitable for all sorts of clients? What if I can't master any theories? What if I make matters worse by conducting that one counselling session? Oh these anxieties.. They make small matters look big, eh? But isn't it normal for a student to feel so, especially those in the social field? Well, first of all, I'm not a sociable girl, and only God's knows how I'm going to survive in the near future. But again, without my own effort, wouldn't I be answering that question without proof? Hm. Ah.. I forgot to mention. I had always have this anxiety attacks (and sometimes panic attacks) whenever something bothers me. Eh. Wait. I don't make sense there. Nevertheless... Just.. Hm. InsyaAllah, with Allah's will and with His guidance, I will become a clinical psychologist one day.. Or a plain psychologist would do. InsyaAllah.. I will fulfil 'ibu's promise.. I will... It may not be a psychiatrist, but a psychologist is close enough! Eheh! (And no, I'm not highly motivated in this, but I need to try, or else, I'm going to break a promise that is worth my love for 'ibu'..) 10:57 PM
Friday, July 19, 2013
Hand in hand...  I read a book the other day and I came across this quote by Emily Kimbrough. Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That is why it's a comfort to go hand in hand.And to be honest, her words are true eh? "Remember, we all stumble, every one of us." This one right here is what strikes me right in the head! We all stumble, she said.. Every one of us... How could I be so naive thinking that only I had stumbled in the past and not other people? True, I had been very down for the last couple of months, and because of that, I grew passive and withdrawn, ostracising myself from any sort of social events. See the exaggeration in that part? Haha. And Emily also said... "That is why it's a comfort to go hand in hand." It doesn't actually mean we hold each other's hand, but it is more like we're together in this road. What road? Well, I'm not sure what Emily had in her mind at the time, but in my mind, it's together in the road to Jannah. A brother once told me that I am his family, whether I like it or not. And to be honest, he already made use of this quote more than he ever knew, and what Emily had said was very true : It is a comfort to go hand in hand. We all stumble. I stumbled. A lot before. But that doesn't mean that we can't get back up, right? Well, that's a note that you, yourself, should remember, Mar. Ahhh.. And also, we are not alone. Maybe I used to be alone, and though solitude is something that I grew to get used to, but... I am not alone in this road. I have lots of someone. The people I can depend on, and the people that I love. Why this sudden post? Because believe me, I am still affected by that incident, and I needed an extra push to snap out of it. It took me lots of crying and lots of persuasion to get rid of that incident out of my mind. Though I am still clinging to that incident right now, even now, but I need to change. The book that I read also said : "A German proverb says : To change and to change for the better are two different things." And I really want to change and to change for the better. I want both, and to do both, I need my own strong will and motivation. Without that, how can I even get close to change? I'm trying my best. No, I'm still not emotionally stable just yet, but I am trying to stabilise my own emotions. Allahumma yassir wa la tu'assir. 1:28 PM
Friday, July 12, 2013
Keep calm...  Keep calm.. Alhamdulillah, it's the month of Ramadhan! Smiles. Another Ramadhan spent with my friends and another Ramadhan spent being far away from home. It's a great experience actually. A wonderful piece of memory I'll have for Ramadhan. Studying abroad has taught me many things. I found the most amazing friends and house-mates. The most amazing classmates and the most amazing people ever, and believe me, I feel awesome just being here. I guess choosing a diploma in Counselling over a diploma in Psychology was just the right thing to do. To think back, it's actually amazing how I am able to stand here right now, despite of what happened in the past. People were right, my future did began at the time, and here I am, a proud counselling student, aiming my way to become a clinical psychologist, insyaAllah, one day... The first step to change is to understand the change. Eh.. Pokes wall. I'm happy, you know.. I am.. Happy because I know that I'm doing brilliantly in this new life (well, sort of..), but most importantly, I am happy because I found a new 'family' to fill the empty spaces in my heart.. I am happy.. The month of Ramadhan.. A really blissful month, and I really hope I can get rid of all those sadness in this holy month, for you see.. Life's too short to spend it with sadness. Someone used to tell me that, and that someone was right. Life should be spent being positive and happy. Happy sigh.. I feel so thankful today. And I should be as so in any other day... Let's start anew and work harder eh, Mar? Winks. -Pray that I can stay strong and be that girl who has the spirit of a lion and a heart of a mother.. Smiles. I'll pray for each and every one of us to be strong so that we can go hand-in-hand spreading the beauty of Islam into the world. Islam is not just a religion, nor it is not just a way of life, but Islam is a one big family. 11:46 AM
Thursday, July 4, 2013
One word.  And if I were to answer that question today, I would definitely answer I feel down.  Very down, actually. It's nothing actually, just the usual old Mar, y'know. Never easy to smile and stay happy. Aren't I just ridiculous? I'm 19, and yet I still act like as if I'm 14. And being 14 before wasn't easy. Well, no one ever said life would be easy anyway... ----------- Minggu Ta'aruf Fakulti (MTF) starts tomorrow, and I really don't feel like going to work for tomorrow's event. Just some reasons that I find very saddening to even go through. I'm not even making sense. I just want to be alone... 6:47 PM
Friday, June 28, 2013
Sick. 
I'm down with a fever, and here I am, staying up late, with a fever, and a runny nose, and with my really bad coughing fits, and a terrible migraine, doing my assignment. This is what happens when you procrastinate, Mar!!
But, actually, being sick is not that bad. LIES! All lies!!!
Being sick is bad. I feel terrible. And here I am, ranting and rambling because I am tired and cranky, and I have this assignment to finish that is due today (28 June) and it is not even half done! Mumbles.
I don't even feel like going out, but most importantly, I don't feel like getting out of bed, but 'ibu' had told me once : Being sick is not an excuse!!
But.. I'm tired. I'm cranky. I'm in pain.
Remember Mar, this is a sign for you. You being sick now is a sign for you, Mar.
Mumbles again.
I need some rest! Cries.
12:48 AM
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Never ever let me type my feelings out... But I do it anyway. Sigh... I had always doubted my own capabilities in self-improvement. Though it may seem like I am progressing quite smoothly, but actually I don't think I am progressing a lot. In the aspects of lifestyle, then maybe yes, I am progressing quite well, but in the aspects of maintaining the tranquillity of my inner self is otherwise. To be honest, to change the whole aspect of my lifestyle was not a pleasant and easy thing to do, especially when I was already comfortable living my life (in the past). I guess I'm quite okay now in the aspects of lifestyle, but spiritually speaking, I still need more improvements.
If you were to ask me why in this semester I am different from the last two semesters, well.. It all goes back to semester break. Not going into personal life here, but let's just say that something quite 'big' had happened and it changed me completely.. Which is... As in... In the context of how I am thinking and how I am trying to react to all those events (in which we will never ever discuss about). But I guess, those events that had occurred are really a something. Maybe it was a wake up call for me to stop being too comfortable and get out of my comfort zone. Like what 'ibu' always say : Trials and tribulations are just a part of life. It sticks like glue!
Eheh. It's funny how I am obedient to what 'ibu' always say. Smiles.
But, you know, she's right. There is no such thing as life without problems. Life without trials. Life without hardship. We all go through it every single day, and the only difference is in how we react to them. But I'm guessing I've been reacting to them in such a negative way that I began to be dragging myself down into the slumps again. Ugh! I always hated to be in such condition, but then again, I always drag myself into it anyhow. Sigh.
'Ibu' and 'Ayah' was right. Drastic change is hard, that is why we do it slowly, and alhamdulillah, I know I am better than how I was before. To think back of all the things that I had done... Ugh.. I better don't think about it. Shudders.
But, if I didn't experienced any of it, then I wouldn't be who I am now wouldn't I? Smiles. I have Allah to thank. He had taught me a lot through all those, and I am still learning to 'walk' again, slowly and patiently (I hope!).
The third semester for a diploma in counselling, and only now I can understand what 'ibu' had always told me : The outside world is even more scarier! Shrugs!
I hundred percent believe that now that I am living it. I guess the only thing that hasn't changed in me is fear. I used to remember having panic attacks quite often during school life. Those anxieties. Ugh! Quite disturbing actually. I still suffer from all these panic attacks and anxieties outbursts. Sweats. Mar, you really haven't changed that much, eh! Wink.
Anyway, like I was saying... In the aspects of lifestyle, yes, I've changed. But in the context of the tranquillity of the mind, and the mental state of mind, not so. I need to keep on reminding myself that I am NO LONGER alone, and I will never be alone. I have 'them' now. Forever 'them'.
'Ayah' had always told me to make more friends. Eheh. I know. I know.. I was quite a loner back then eh. Not to forget such an anti-social! Sweats.
Alhamdulillah, ever since I went to college, I begin to like to socialize. But, some things just don't change. I still to prefer being alone and out of place from other people. I guess I just got used to it, and it became a lifetime routine, eh?
Sigh..
I've been reflecting about myself a lot lately, and insomnia has really taken its toll in my life now -- again.
The thing about me is that.. I linger. I always linger, but it's like an autonomic response and I just couldn't control it in my own will. It happens, just because it does.
Nah. I'm just making excuses. I linger because I chose to. Maybe I'm just still holding on to those pasts. To those days.
Eh, guess what? It's 25th June. 5 days before 'that day'. Shrugs!
It has been, I don't know... 5 years already? Wow! How time really flies, eh? Wink.
I admit though, I was reckless before. I was fourteen. How should I know? But under those circumstances at the time, how could you blame me for it? Sigh. But, who else to blame but me anyway? It was my actions anyway..
Ugh. I need to forget about them.
But I can't. The memories are vivid. Clearer than the blue sky. Clearer than calm water. Clearer as clear as you could ever imagine! Yikes!
I don't understand the point of this post now, but I had always loved typing (or writing). I used to write a lot, but I stopped after one event that made me hate writing. I don't hate it, but.. It's complicated, okay?
I used to remember my teachers telling me I should become a writer one day.The kind of writers who write about true stories. Erk. True stories? Heh. Smiles. Good times they were... Good times...
Sigh. I am nineteen, but I feel like as if I'm stuck being fourteen or fifteen. What?
I told you that I linger a lot. Cries.
People had always told me that I suppress my feelings too much. Hm. They're right, and I don't want to wrong them about that fact. I know about that. I wasn't like this before.
Eh! What am I typing now? Sigh.
This is what happens when Mar starts typing and gets emotional. Screw you and your emotions, Mar.
The questions I had been asking myself :
Am I able to redeem myself for what I had done?
Am I forgiveable after what I did?
Am I still vile and unforgiven?
Will I ever make it through the end?
Will I relapsed?
Am I still okay? Had I ever been okay?
'Ibu' was right. And lately, 'he' was right. I really need to change myself. I really need to stop lingering. I really need to slap myself in the face just so that I can be fully aware of what is really going on. EH! Does that even make sense?
I'm confused. Really, I am...
'Ibu'... You had been in my mind a lot lately.. I miss you...
2:45 AM
Friday, June 21, 2013
Love. It had been pretty rough for me lately. And after a couple of weeks struggling to stay positive, I feel seriously loved and wanted just yesterday and today. After all these while I had been blinded and ignorant, but now I understand what 'he' told me. I don't live alone... Alhamdulillah. All praises to Allah, and no one else. Thankful that I am still given a chance to continue living and insyaAllah, to continue serving for His purposes. And I am even more thankful that I have a 'family' right here in KUIM. A family where I can never be wrong. A family where I am corrected and not left astray. A family where love is spread widely and openly. A family that I wish to keep in my life forever. I'm really never alone... 3 semesters. A year in college, and I found something different. I found everything that is awesome. I found the friends that I can truly call a family. I had found the people who care enough to criticize me when I'm wrong but at the same time still hand-in-hand going through life with me. I had found the people that I can share my worries to, and I found the people where we go hand-in-hand, step-by-step together in the path of Islam. Why did I felt so alone? I have an awesome big brother, awesome brothers, and a lot of awesome sisters, and yet I can still say that I am alone. I am not. I love them. Wholeheartedly. I miss them. I miss them a lot. This family in KUIM, I really miss them. If one day I don't see them, my heart will wonder where are they.. Are they fine today? Are they happy? Are they smiling today? Are they worried today? Have they eaten yet? My heart always plead to see them, even with just a glance. And a smile on their faces can make my day a lot better. I love them a lot. And despite the problems faced in KUIM, I had never regretted KUIM. I had never ever regretted KUIM. I went to a college that is far from home. A college that is alien in my home town. And I am taking a diploma for a course that people have no confidence in. But.. I don't care about that. I have my family here in Melaka. Here in KUIM. And I promise myself, I will expand our borders. I will try and let other people feel the happiness and the love that I feel because of this little family of mine. I feel loved, and for the first time ever in my life, despite what happened in the past, I feel wanted and present. Guys, I love you guys to bits! InsyaAllah, I'll promise you guys that we will go hand-in-hand together walking into the gates of Jannah. Uhibbukum fillah, ya usrati! Uhibbukum fillah! 9:32 PM
Monday, June 10, 2013
Alhamdulillah...  It's the first day of the first week of a new semester today, and I finally got my results for last semester. Alhamdulillah, I am thankful that I got another dean's award, and insyaAllah, with God's will, I will try harder to improve myself better. To me, getting a dean's award is like getting a motivational boost. It is a reminder for me that I had tried hard before, and now I should try harder. My effort before wasn't truly enough, for you see, I am no longer studying just because I want to, but because it is my responsibility as a Muslim to study. It is my responsibility to ensure myself that I am capable of improving myself from darkness into the deen. It is my responsibility to learn and spread da'wah. In fact, it is our responsibility. InsyaAllah, I won't let anything stop me from achieving my success. I will try and stay in the path of da'wah and spread Islam. I will not just sit and wait. I will try. Because in Islam, we don't look at quantity, but we look at quality. A few awesome Muslim men (and women) are better than a trillion normal Muslim men (and women). Islam seek quality, not quantity, and insyaAllah, I know and truly believe that Islam will win once again. I am certain of that! Allah ghoyati wa ar Rasul qudwati. 1:54 PM
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Madza ya'ni My life is based on the phrases stated in the Quran, where Allah has told us : 51:56 "And [tell them that] I have not created the invisible beings and men to any end other than that they may [know and] worship Me." and also, 2:30 "Note that occasion, when your Rabb said to the angels: I am going to place a vicegerent on earth. The angels said: "Will You place there one who will make mischief and shed blood while we sing Your praises and glorify Your name?" Allah said: "I know what you know not."" Our purposes of life has been clearly stated in the Quran, So, why do we still to continue live otherwise? Greater people Clearly speaking, these people down here are just wonderful people. Give them a ring-a-ding-ding once in a while! :) Ira (1) Ira (2) Farahin APG (Inche Gabbana) |
