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Thursday, July 25, 2013
Thankful. It's pretty weird that whenever something happen in my life, I would always have this urge to post about it here. It's really weird, to be honest. I guess I just have that habit to just share all my experiences for the world to know and try to understand, though I doubt any one can understand it fully. I do know that my sharing bits are always dull and depressing, but I don't know.. I just have this comfort in typing about it. Regarding today's post (ie Thankful), yes, I am thankful. What am I talking about? I am thankful for a brother of mine in college. A brother? What brother? A brother of the same aqidah that I love and grateful to have. Why? He had helped me through a lot, actually. Not only just recently, but ever since I met him, he had helped me through a lot. And I do understand why everyone calls him awesome, because to me, he is awesome in so many levels. Maybe just because I'm a little sister that I think highly of him, but to me, that's good. For you see, my motivation level is quite low, and at least after knowing him, I have someone to look up to. Yesterday was the roughest patch of my life, and I broke down entirely. It felt like 4 years ago. Everything seemed dark and horrifying, but alhamdulillah, it seemed like Allah had given me another day to still be here, holding on, and alhamdulillah, abg was there too. I know.. I do sound too dependant of him, but.. Ah.. No one will ever get it. I am thankful that, every single time I broke down, rather than to deal with it alone like how I used to do before, I now have abg (and also my friends). I am thankful that I now have people who wishes me to stay in their lives for good, rather than to deal with people who wishes me to be gone for good. I am thankful. More thankful than how I used to be before. And I want to stay thankful. It's just beyond words could ever explain. I know I relapsed again yesterday (regarding a bad habit here this one), but I didn't do it all the way through. It was different. It felt different. Gosh. I sound so depressing. And it's funny really if I were to say so myself. I presented about 'Depression' yesterday in The Basic of Human Development class. Presenting about that acted like a switch for me. Just after that presentation, I became one of the said patients of depression. How shameful. Aahhh.. I need to go back to basics. Back to square one, just like how ibu told me to the last time I saw her. Back to square one, she says. Remember that, Mar. Believe.. ------------- I don't recommend anyone to fully understand this post, but hey, I don't know... Let's just read and forget. 9:00 PM
Monday, July 22, 2013
Questions.  Ostracising someone from a social group is really a cruel thing. Okay. That was random. But isn't it true? Just for a thought. Anyway, the real point in this post is regarding the questions that had been going through my head lately... Recently in Theories in Counselling class, we talked about what makes a good counsellor, or was it the characteristics of a successful counsellor.. And I just realized that I'm going to be a counsellor (well, assistant counsellor that is) after my diploma, but most importantly, I'm going to have clients after this, and to be honest, I don't think I'm that capable in becoming a counsellor. Why? I can't even counsel myself, then how the hell can I counsel someone else? Ahh.. I'm going to learn about that later on anyway, so that's not really a big deal for me.. But what's the big deal about this post that makes it so important to me? Will I able to do all this? That's the question. Yes. That's the question. Will Mardyati be able to do it? But, without effort, wouldn't I be answering it without having to prove it? Eh? Sigh. And no, that's not the only questions that had been in my mind all these while.. That's just one of it.. And recently, or rather, just this evening during class, we talked about changing counsellors, where the counsellor is encouraged to transfer his/her client to another counsellor if they aren't able to cope with the client, or the client just reminds him/her about traumas or they just can't continue.. And then I thought.. What if I am going to be a counsellor that's not suitable for all sorts of clients? What if I can't master any theories? What if I make matters worse by conducting that one counselling session? Oh these anxieties.. They make small matters look big, eh? But isn't it normal for a student to feel so, especially those in the social field? Well, first of all, I'm not a sociable girl, and only God's knows how I'm going to survive in the near future. But again, without my own effort, wouldn't I be answering that question without proof? Hm. Ah.. I forgot to mention. I had always have this anxiety attacks (and sometimes panic attacks) whenever something bothers me. Eh. Wait. I don't make sense there. Nevertheless... Just.. Hm. InsyaAllah, with Allah's will and with His guidance, I will become a clinical psychologist one day.. Or a plain psychologist would do. InsyaAllah.. I will fulfil 'ibu's promise.. I will... It may not be a psychiatrist, but a psychologist is close enough! Eheh! (And no, I'm not highly motivated in this, but I need to try, or else, I'm going to break a promise that is worth my love for 'ibu'..) 10:57 PM
Friday, July 19, 2013
Hand in hand...  I read a book the other day and I came across this quote by Emily Kimbrough. Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That is why it's a comfort to go hand in hand.And to be honest, her words are true eh? "Remember, we all stumble, every one of us." This one right here is what strikes me right in the head! We all stumble, she said.. Every one of us... How could I be so naive thinking that only I had stumbled in the past and not other people? True, I had been very down for the last couple of months, and because of that, I grew passive and withdrawn, ostracising myself from any sort of social events. See the exaggeration in that part? Haha. And Emily also said... "That is why it's a comfort to go hand in hand." It doesn't actually mean we hold each other's hand, but it is more like we're together in this road. What road? Well, I'm not sure what Emily had in her mind at the time, but in my mind, it's together in the road to Jannah. A brother once told me that I am his family, whether I like it or not. And to be honest, he already made use of this quote more than he ever knew, and what Emily had said was very true : It is a comfort to go hand in hand. We all stumble. I stumbled. A lot before. But that doesn't mean that we can't get back up, right? Well, that's a note that you, yourself, should remember, Mar. Ahhh.. And also, we are not alone. Maybe I used to be alone, and though solitude is something that I grew to get used to, but... I am not alone in this road. I have lots of someone. The people I can depend on, and the people that I love. Why this sudden post? Because believe me, I am still affected by that incident, and I needed an extra push to snap out of it. It took me lots of crying and lots of persuasion to get rid of that incident out of my mind. Though I am still clinging to that incident right now, even now, but I need to change. The book that I read also said : "A German proverb says : To change and to change for the better are two different things." And I really want to change and to change for the better. I want both, and to do both, I need my own strong will and motivation. Without that, how can I even get close to change? I'm trying my best. No, I'm still not emotionally stable just yet, but I am trying to stabilise my own emotions. Allahumma yassir wa la tu'assir. 1:28 PM
Friday, July 12, 2013
Keep calm...  Keep calm.. Alhamdulillah, it's the month of Ramadhan! Smiles. Another Ramadhan spent with my friends and another Ramadhan spent being far away from home. It's a great experience actually. A wonderful piece of memory I'll have for Ramadhan. Studying abroad has taught me many things. I found the most amazing friends and house-mates. The most amazing classmates and the most amazing people ever, and believe me, I feel awesome just being here. I guess choosing a diploma in Counselling over a diploma in Psychology was just the right thing to do. To think back, it's actually amazing how I am able to stand here right now, despite of what happened in the past. People were right, my future did began at the time, and here I am, a proud counselling student, aiming my way to become a clinical psychologist, insyaAllah, one day... The first step to change is to understand the change. Eh.. Pokes wall. I'm happy, you know.. I am.. Happy because I know that I'm doing brilliantly in this new life (well, sort of..), but most importantly, I am happy because I found a new 'family' to fill the empty spaces in my heart.. I am happy.. The month of Ramadhan.. A really blissful month, and I really hope I can get rid of all those sadness in this holy month, for you see.. Life's too short to spend it with sadness. Someone used to tell me that, and that someone was right. Life should be spent being positive and happy. Happy sigh.. I feel so thankful today. And I should be as so in any other day... Let's start anew and work harder eh, Mar? Winks. -Pray that I can stay strong and be that girl who has the spirit of a lion and a heart of a mother.. Smiles. I'll pray for each and every one of us to be strong so that we can go hand-in-hand spreading the beauty of Islam into the world. Islam is not just a religion, nor it is not just a way of life, but Islam is a one big family. 11:46 AM
Thursday, July 4, 2013
One word.  And if I were to answer that question today, I would definitely answer I feel down.  Very down, actually. It's nothing actually, just the usual old Mar, y'know. Never easy to smile and stay happy. Aren't I just ridiculous? I'm 19, and yet I still act like as if I'm 14. And being 14 before wasn't easy. Well, no one ever said life would be easy anyway... ----------- Minggu Ta'aruf Fakulti (MTF) starts tomorrow, and I really don't feel like going to work for tomorrow's event. Just some reasons that I find very saddening to even go through. I'm not even making sense. I just want to be alone... 6:47 PM
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Madza ya'ni My life is based on the phrases stated in the Quran, where Allah has told us : 51:56 "And [tell them that] I have not created the invisible beings and men to any end other than that they may [know and] worship Me." and also, 2:30 "Note that occasion, when your Rabb said to the angels: I am going to place a vicegerent on earth. The angels said: "Will You place there one who will make mischief and shed blood while we sing Your praises and glorify Your name?" Allah said: "I know what you know not."" Our purposes of life has been clearly stated in the Quran, So, why do we still to continue live otherwise? Greater people Clearly speaking, these people down here are just wonderful people. Give them a ring-a-ding-ding once in a while! :) Ira (1) Ira (2) Farahin APG (Inche Gabbana) |
