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Friday, June 28, 2013
Sick. 
I'm down with a fever, and here I am, staying up late, with a fever, and a runny nose, and with my really bad coughing fits, and a terrible migraine, doing my assignment. This is what happens when you procrastinate, Mar!!
But, actually, being sick is not that bad. LIES! All lies!!!
Being sick is bad. I feel terrible. And here I am, ranting and rambling because I am tired and cranky, and I have this assignment to finish that is due today (28 June) and it is not even half done! Mumbles.
I don't even feel like going out, but most importantly, I don't feel like getting out of bed, but 'ibu' had told me once : Being sick is not an excuse!!
But.. I'm tired. I'm cranky. I'm in pain.
Remember Mar, this is a sign for you. You being sick now is a sign for you, Mar.
Mumbles again.
I need some rest! Cries.
12:48 AM
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Never ever let me type my feelings out... But I do it anyway. Sigh... I had always doubted my own capabilities in self-improvement. Though it may seem like I am progressing quite smoothly, but actually I don't think I am progressing a lot. In the aspects of lifestyle, then maybe yes, I am progressing quite well, but in the aspects of maintaining the tranquillity of my inner self is otherwise. To be honest, to change the whole aspect of my lifestyle was not a pleasant and easy thing to do, especially when I was already comfortable living my life (in the past). I guess I'm quite okay now in the aspects of lifestyle, but spiritually speaking, I still need more improvements.
If you were to ask me why in this semester I am different from the last two semesters, well.. It all goes back to semester break. Not going into personal life here, but let's just say that something quite 'big' had happened and it changed me completely.. Which is... As in... In the context of how I am thinking and how I am trying to react to all those events (in which we will never ever discuss about). But I guess, those events that had occurred are really a something. Maybe it was a wake up call for me to stop being too comfortable and get out of my comfort zone. Like what 'ibu' always say : Trials and tribulations are just a part of life. It sticks like glue!
Eheh. It's funny how I am obedient to what 'ibu' always say. Smiles.
But, you know, she's right. There is no such thing as life without problems. Life without trials. Life without hardship. We all go through it every single day, and the only difference is in how we react to them. But I'm guessing I've been reacting to them in such a negative way that I began to be dragging myself down into the slumps again. Ugh! I always hated to be in such condition, but then again, I always drag myself into it anyhow. Sigh.
'Ibu' and 'Ayah' was right. Drastic change is hard, that is why we do it slowly, and alhamdulillah, I know I am better than how I was before. To think back of all the things that I had done... Ugh.. I better don't think about it. Shudders.
But, if I didn't experienced any of it, then I wouldn't be who I am now wouldn't I? Smiles. I have Allah to thank. He had taught me a lot through all those, and I am still learning to 'walk' again, slowly and patiently (I hope!).
The third semester for a diploma in counselling, and only now I can understand what 'ibu' had always told me : The outside world is even more scarier! Shrugs!
I hundred percent believe that now that I am living it. I guess the only thing that hasn't changed in me is fear. I used to remember having panic attacks quite often during school life. Those anxieties. Ugh! Quite disturbing actually. I still suffer from all these panic attacks and anxieties outbursts. Sweats. Mar, you really haven't changed that much, eh! Wink.
Anyway, like I was saying... In the aspects of lifestyle, yes, I've changed. But in the context of the tranquillity of the mind, and the mental state of mind, not so. I need to keep on reminding myself that I am NO LONGER alone, and I will never be alone. I have 'them' now. Forever 'them'.
'Ayah' had always told me to make more friends. Eheh. I know. I know.. I was quite a loner back then eh. Not to forget such an anti-social! Sweats.
Alhamdulillah, ever since I went to college, I begin to like to socialize. But, some things just don't change. I still to prefer being alone and out of place from other people. I guess I just got used to it, and it became a lifetime routine, eh?
Sigh..
I've been reflecting about myself a lot lately, and insomnia has really taken its toll in my life now -- again.
The thing about me is that.. I linger. I always linger, but it's like an autonomic response and I just couldn't control it in my own will. It happens, just because it does.
Nah. I'm just making excuses. I linger because I chose to. Maybe I'm just still holding on to those pasts. To those days.
Eh, guess what? It's 25th June. 5 days before 'that day'. Shrugs!
It has been, I don't know... 5 years already? Wow! How time really flies, eh? Wink.
I admit though, I was reckless before. I was fourteen. How should I know? But under those circumstances at the time, how could you blame me for it? Sigh. But, who else to blame but me anyway? It was my actions anyway..
Ugh. I need to forget about them.
But I can't. The memories are vivid. Clearer than the blue sky. Clearer than calm water. Clearer as clear as you could ever imagine! Yikes!
I don't understand the point of this post now, but I had always loved typing (or writing). I used to write a lot, but I stopped after one event that made me hate writing. I don't hate it, but.. It's complicated, okay?
I used to remember my teachers telling me I should become a writer one day.The kind of writers who write about true stories. Erk. True stories? Heh. Smiles. Good times they were... Good times...
Sigh. I am nineteen, but I feel like as if I'm stuck being fourteen or fifteen. What?
I told you that I linger a lot. Cries.
People had always told me that I suppress my feelings too much. Hm. They're right, and I don't want to wrong them about that fact. I know about that. I wasn't like this before.
Eh! What am I typing now? Sigh.
This is what happens when Mar starts typing and gets emotional. Screw you and your emotions, Mar.
The questions I had been asking myself :
Am I able to redeem myself for what I had done?
Am I forgiveable after what I did?
Am I still vile and unforgiven?
Will I ever make it through the end?
Will I relapsed?
Am I still okay? Had I ever been okay?
'Ibu' was right. And lately, 'he' was right. I really need to change myself. I really need to stop lingering. I really need to slap myself in the face just so that I can be fully aware of what is really going on. EH! Does that even make sense?
I'm confused. Really, I am...
'Ibu'... You had been in my mind a lot lately.. I miss you...
2:45 AM
Friday, June 21, 2013
Love. It had been pretty rough for me lately. And after a couple of weeks struggling to stay positive, I feel seriously loved and wanted just yesterday and today. After all these while I had been blinded and ignorant, but now I understand what 'he' told me. I don't live alone... Alhamdulillah. All praises to Allah, and no one else. Thankful that I am still given a chance to continue living and insyaAllah, to continue serving for His purposes. And I am even more thankful that I have a 'family' right here in KUIM. A family where I can never be wrong. A family where I am corrected and not left astray. A family where love is spread widely and openly. A family that I wish to keep in my life forever. I'm really never alone... 3 semesters. A year in college, and I found something different. I found everything that is awesome. I found the friends that I can truly call a family. I had found the people who care enough to criticize me when I'm wrong but at the same time still hand-in-hand going through life with me. I had found the people that I can share my worries to, and I found the people where we go hand-in-hand, step-by-step together in the path of Islam. Why did I felt so alone? I have an awesome big brother, awesome brothers, and a lot of awesome sisters, and yet I can still say that I am alone. I am not. I love them. Wholeheartedly. I miss them. I miss them a lot. This family in KUIM, I really miss them. If one day I don't see them, my heart will wonder where are they.. Are they fine today? Are they happy? Are they smiling today? Are they worried today? Have they eaten yet? My heart always plead to see them, even with just a glance. And a smile on their faces can make my day a lot better. I love them a lot. And despite the problems faced in KUIM, I had never regretted KUIM. I had never ever regretted KUIM. I went to a college that is far from home. A college that is alien in my home town. And I am taking a diploma for a course that people have no confidence in. But.. I don't care about that. I have my family here in Melaka. Here in KUIM. And I promise myself, I will expand our borders. I will try and let other people feel the happiness and the love that I feel because of this little family of mine. I feel loved, and for the first time ever in my life, despite what happened in the past, I feel wanted and present. Guys, I love you guys to bits! InsyaAllah, I'll promise you guys that we will go hand-in-hand together walking into the gates of Jannah. Uhibbukum fillah, ya usrati! Uhibbukum fillah! 9:32 PM
Monday, June 10, 2013
Alhamdulillah...  It's the first day of the first week of a new semester today, and I finally got my results for last semester. Alhamdulillah, I am thankful that I got another dean's award, and insyaAllah, with God's will, I will try harder to improve myself better. To me, getting a dean's award is like getting a motivational boost. It is a reminder for me that I had tried hard before, and now I should try harder. My effort before wasn't truly enough, for you see, I am no longer studying just because I want to, but because it is my responsibility as a Muslim to study. It is my responsibility to ensure myself that I am capable of improving myself from darkness into the deen. It is my responsibility to learn and spread da'wah. In fact, it is our responsibility. InsyaAllah, I won't let anything stop me from achieving my success. I will try and stay in the path of da'wah and spread Islam. I will not just sit and wait. I will try. Because in Islam, we don't look at quantity, but we look at quality. A few awesome Muslim men (and women) are better than a trillion normal Muslim men (and women). Islam seek quality, not quantity, and insyaAllah, I know and truly believe that Islam will win once again. I am certain of that! Allah ghoyati wa ar Rasul qudwati. 1:54 PM
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Madza ya'ni My life is based on the phrases stated in the Quran, where Allah has told us : 51:56 "And [tell them that] I have not created the invisible beings and men to any end other than that they may [know and] worship Me." and also, 2:30 "Note that occasion, when your Rabb said to the angels: I am going to place a vicegerent on earth. The angels said: "Will You place there one who will make mischief and shed blood while we sing Your praises and glorify Your name?" Allah said: "I know what you know not."" Our purposes of life has been clearly stated in the Quran, So, why do we still to continue live otherwise? Greater people Clearly speaking, these people down here are just wonderful people. Give them a ring-a-ding-ding once in a while! :) Ira (1) Ira (2) Farahin APG (Inche Gabbana) |
