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Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Challenges and life. When we talk about life, we always talk about the challenges that we had endured. The pain and suffering, and not only that, we also talk about the joy of our life.. But at times, when we are currently faced with a terribly big and painful challenge, we often forget about the wonders of life itself. We focus more on the hardship of that specific challenge and how at wits' end we are.. And guess what? That is how I currently feel right now... Though I know I shouldn't be, but I just can't help it. It's like an autonomic response, and yet I know I am capable of controlling it myself, but I just wish not to. I guess I'm just tired having to pretend that everything will be okay, when truth be told is that it will not and never will be okay.. It's something that has no positive way of ending, and no matter how you twist and turn it, it will only lead to a negative ending... I had always thought that life after high school would be better, but my thought had been proven to be wrong. Absolutely wrong. I shouldn't be complaining, but we are humans. We have feelings, emotions... When I think about challenges, my mind always plays images of the past. To me, what my past consist of are only mere pain and agony, and little bliss did I felt. I am grateful that I was given challenges enough to make me learn how to stay alive.. And life now (although it may seem hard atm) is a wonder itself to me... They told me : Don't think about it. Just focus on your studies... You shouldn't be thinking about it... But actually, I can't. It's a part of my life, and how can I not think about it when it affects my whole entire life? For years I've searched for ways to solve it, but I always end up with nothing. Zilch. Nada. None. I've cried millions and millions of tears, and I know and I am 100% aware of the fact that there are others who are suffering more than me, like : the Palestinians, the Syrians, the Arabians... But I am still a human. And people always say those exact words to me, cause they are afraid that I will repeat my past (in which I will never will). They should just truthfully tell that to my face, and not just hide it. Cause the past happened because everything was hidden and I was forgotten, and now that I am SELDOM forgotten, the inner pain still remains. Nothing can take away that inner pain I feel ; only Allah can. And I know and realize the fact that, although I am sad and feeling depressed now, one day, insyaAllah, Allah has written something better for me... For us.. For them... Right now, all I can say is Alhamdulillah, I am given another chance to breathe and to repent.. InsyaAllah, I believe in Allah and everything is at His hands.. What there is to happen, will happen... And I hope, that this feeling will just go away on its own... 3:49 PM
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Thanking. Happy Eid to everyone who's celebrating Eid. Eid would be different this year without Nek Hah. I really miss my Nek Hah. :') Will always love her... I've been reading some posts from my old blogs.. (And yes, I've made them private. -_-") The reason why I still keep my old blogs is so that I can go through them when I find myself feeling down and in need of something that can help me to move forward. I don't want to fall prey to my own feelings and pessimism again. Reading old posts make me reminisce about the past. My pasts may not be the best, but without it, I wouldn't be here now. I used to remember all the counselling sessions I've attended, the depression I had felt, the isolation I had been through.. The problems with social life, and almost everything. The confusion I had felt before.. I am thankful to Allah for giving me those hardships cause now I know how to take care of myself. I have my counsellors and teachers to thank to too. They had never judged me and had gave me trillions of advices and motivations. I used to see them as bad people, but now that I am a counselling student myself, I had learnt to open my eyes and heart and accept the fact that they are my heroes. My saviour. They manage to get rid of my abhorrence of myself. They made me who I am today. Maybe that's why I miss them a lot. I still keep cikgu Mariam's emails. Her emails makes me remember the times being with her. The times where I was terribly vulnerable, but in her arms, I felt safe. She and cikgu Malek had helped me a great deal, and thanks to them, I am now a junior in their course of career ie counselling. I know now and understand what it is to be a counsellor. What principle they need to follow, the ethics they need to follow, etcetra.. Long story short, I learnt to live because of them.. Not to forget my friends.. Why would I forget my friends? I know I used to be in bad terms with a lot of people, but we made it through it alive.. But I still cannot forget the times where social life was terrible for me. In fact, the pain still lingers, and can still be felt. The memories are vivid. Now, social life is becoming more of an anxiety to me than it as an activity. I worry. Memories of being abandoned and isolated. To be alienated. To be different. Everything about social life makes me scared. Why am I typing this out? Easy. Cause today, I relapsed, and broke down. I need to type about things that I need to put in my mind so that I will not be depressed ; to be how I used to be in the past. I will not give up. Thank you, cikgu Malek, cikgu Mariam, cikgu Dayang Rokiah, cikgu Rakayah, cikgu Izat, cikgu Liyana, cikgu Zakiah, and to all my teachers. If I were to type each and every single one of you, then this post would be a long one.. I will make you all proud, and to be of an example to your current students now and later. Thank you my best friends, especially Zaf and Zyhah. Thank you all my friends of SK Gita, SMK Tunku Abdul Rahman Kuching, SMK DPAH Abdillah, KUIM, etc... Without you guys, life would be lonely.. And oh, maybe you would think it funny that I never mentioned my family.. :) I always think of my family, every day. But I need to thank people other than my family as well. 2:36 AM
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
May as it be.. I will never stop thanking Allah for giving me this chance to study in KUIM. I am so very very thankful. I may have cried on my first week because, well, it is a common thing for an eighteen year old girl to do. -.-" Right? Being in KUIM has changed me a lot. And alhamdulillah, by change, I mean, in a good way and in a good fashion of manners. :) I made a lot of new and wonderful friends, and with everything being new, I had learnt to move on and enjoy life to the fullest, alhamdulillah. My blog is filled with posts about how thankful I am. Well, I really am thankful. Just imagine, just what if tomorrow never comes, and I forgot to be thankful today, wouldn't that make me someone who's at loss? I don't want to waste any of my time to complain (although it may sound stupid, but at least I try to, cause basically, as a human being, we are made to have various kinds of emotions and feelings, but it is, we ourselves who controls them) and start living life according to what Allah has told us to. I may still have a little bit of anxiety going on in my head and my heart, but insyaAllah, with a little more effort to improve, I will surely be better in the future. As for now, I'm back in Kuching after two months in Melaka. :) I miss Kuching so much... Who wouldn't miss their hometown? :) But after Eid, I'll be sitting for my mid-term exams. :( It's a good thing I'm exempted from English Language Proficiency class and there's no Arabic exam. Thank goodness. And oh, I'm loving the Arabic language so much lately. :) It's a pity that we students of DPIK only has to learn it for two semesters. :( I wanted to master the language. T_T InsyaAllah, I can, even if I have to study with other students. *evil laugh* As for now, the only subject I'm worrying (and I mean a lot) about is Pengajian Malaysia (which is basically a compilation of what we all had learnt since Form 1 till Form 5 of HISTORY) and Ulum al-Quran & Ulum al-Hadith. T_T Introduction to Psychology has a subtopic on Biology ie the Nervous System (in which I find it annoying to learn), and Introduction to Guidance and Counselling had been "fun" as well.. InsyaAllah, I will not give up and I will not give in to what people will say about me. Let it be me who has to study in a private college, let it be me who has to study a course that no one else see that has a future. I don't care, cause I am certain that I will, one day, become a clinical psychologist. InsyaAllah. I have Allah by my side, my friends to support me, my mom to care for me, my siblings to tease me.. Wait.. -.-" All in all, I am never alone.. PS : Please pray for our brothers and sisters in Palestine. :( We are a family of Islam. I am sad to say that I am very sad to know about what our youths had been up to in our modern days now. Is Islam just a matter of a religion in your Identification Card? I am ashamed of myself, cause I am probably one of those youths who does nothing to contribute in our Islamic life. :'( Ya Allah, forgive me, for I have sinned. Forgive us, for we are blinded by our modernized life and forgive us, cause we had closed our eyes and heart to Your call. :'( 3:04 AM
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Thankful & grateful. Once again, a post of how grateful and thankful I am to Allah SWT. He had given me a chance to further my studies, although not in an IPTA but in an IPTS, but nevertheless, at least a chance. Alhamdulillah. My friends were offered countless offers to public universities and other scholarship and I am offered only private universities or colleges. But I am never going to complain about it. I am thankful, cause at least I am studying in a course that I had always wanted (though it is not psychology, but at least it is something near to psychology). Life in a university doesn't differ much to what I had dealt with during in high school. Zilch. Nothing. Nada. Everything is ALMOST the same. The only difference between now and then is the fact that I am more matured than how I was before. Meeting ignorant people who completely took control over my abilities is something I'm quite used to. Being used, being forgotten, being ignored.. It's something normal in my life now.. I have Allah to complain to, and to Him we shall all return. I have no other words to say but to just praise Him for all He had done and give me. What more can I want unless what He had given me? InsyaAllah, I will become better in becoming a Muslim, not only for the title but because it is the right thing, and the only right thing in this world. I will, insyaAllah, try to become like Salehuddin al-Ayyubi or Sultan Muhammad al-Fatih, or any other youths that had brought Islam into this world. For sure, I really miss the times when Islam was at the peak of the world... 4:37 PM
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Ramadhan I guess this would be the first time I'm spending my Ramadhan being with new people... It's fun being with my new friends and house-mates. Although sometimes it does get lonely (cause I find it hard to express emotions using a language that is still alien to me), but nevertheless, they are wonderful beings. Saidina Usman 08-01. A house filled with ridiculously wonderful people. And this Ramadhan will, insyaAllah, be very memorable for me. I thank Allah for all the things He had given me for the past few days, weeks, months, years... I had closed my eyes before to all the things that He had given me, but now, alhamdulillah, my eyes are opened and I am sure that I will become very aware of myself to all the things that He had given me... The truth would now be that I am blogging here just because I find that I need to at least make this blog alive again... In any matter at all, all my sentences now doesn't make sense... :) 10:13 PM
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Madza ya'ni My life is based on the phrases stated in the Quran, where Allah has told us : 51:56 "And [tell them that] I have not created the invisible beings and men to any end other than that they may [know and] worship Me." and also, 2:30 "Note that occasion, when your Rabb said to the angels: I am going to place a vicegerent on earth. The angels said: "Will You place there one who will make mischief and shed blood while we sing Your praises and glorify Your name?" Allah said: "I know what you know not."" Our purposes of life has been clearly stated in the Quran, So, why do we still to continue live otherwise? Greater people Clearly speaking, these people down here are just wonderful people. Give them a ring-a-ding-ding once in a while! :) Ira (1) Ira (2) Farahin APG (Inche Gabbana) |
