|
Profile |
Pasts |
|
Profile |
Pasts |
|
Monday, May 28, 2012
Counting the days.. It would be a lie if I were to say that I am not nervous or anxious about registering on the 4th of June. It is a normal response when dealing with something very new and different. Stress builds up in your head and it makes you cranky, or is it just me? Haha. But I guess, lately, now that my new life will be starting, things in the past begins to haunt and taunt me with my mistakes, but I won't make that as an excuse.. Not anymore.. Let it be something PTSD-ish for me, but only Allah knows me best and to Him I shall seek guidance and help. I just hope I'm making the right choice in taking a diploma in counselling. InsyaAllah, one day, I will be a clinical psychologist just like how I always wanted.. (But it still saddens me that I can't take Psychiatry as a course now with my Biology result not good. TAT) 8:39 PM
Friday, May 25, 2012
One day.. I will become a clinical psychologist one day. I will. I must. I need to. I have to. Why clinical psychologist? Well, truthfully, I wanted to become a psychiatrist at first, but since my SPM results are not qualified to take any medical course, then a psychologist would do. I have all the motivations I need to become one, and let's just hope I can stay motivated and stay enthusiastic about it. InsyaAllah, if God is willing. What I need to learn now is to let go of the past and not let it haunt me ever again. It's hard, but I have to force myself to do it. It will hurt me along the way, but what's life without hurting? I may cry about it at times, but crying will not pull me down ever again. I will not be taken down by any signs of depression ever again. Loneliness may always be something that I feel, but I shouldn't make that as an excuse. Monologue... You always tell people to man up and be strong, Mar. Try taking your own advice. Man up, and stay strong. Man up. Man up. Man up. "No disaster strikes except by permission of Allah . And whoever believes in Allah - He will guide his heart. And Allah is Knowing of all things." [Quran 64:11] Believe. Remember your motto, Mar : Smile when it hurts ; Get up when you can't! 3:46 AM
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Happy eighteenth birthday, Mar. Officially eighteen and I can't sleep. :| Tell me more about being happy on my eighteenth birthday. Oh wait. I reckon anyone even remember. If it wasn't for Facebook, I'll doubt anyone even remembers. :/ But it's okay. I don't find birthdays amusing anyway. Why do we even celebrate it, only God knows why. But each year, on the 23rd of May, I thank Allah for giving me the chance to live by another year. Cause death knows no numbers. Allah still loves me enough to give me another chance, another shot in life after I had made a mistake in the past. I was reckless and actually couldn't find any meaning of life. I have Allah to thank for all that is given to me now. All the ups and all the downs.. "No disaster strikes except by permission of Allah . And whoever believes in Allah - He will guide his heart. And Allah is Knowing of all things." [Quran 64:11] I should grab this chance to repent and become a better Muslimah. I was blinded by the world before, and I will not be blinded by it anymore. Now.. If you're wondering (which I doubt there's actually anyone who reads this ridiculously boring and lifeless blog and even if there was, no one would actually really sincerely give a bloody damn about what I think or type. How 'delightful') why I'm wide awake when it's already 2.32 am, it is because my mind is filled with anxieties and worries in which is actually not necessary and insignificant. -_-" But it continues to make a havoc in my head which had led me to having insomnia for these past few weeks. Inability to go to sleep had been a problem for me ever since I was in Form 4, but right now, it's not as bad as how it was 2 years ago. :/ The things that worry me are simple things and common things students are worrying about : 1) Will I be able to adapt to new changes and to new environment in college? 2) Will I be able to cope with my studies? 3) Will I be able to achieve what I had always wanted? 4) Will I be able to make new friends along the way? 5) Will I be able to make my mom proud? 6) Will I be able to proof to people that I am capable in becoming someone successful? But I'm guessing that one more question that isn't actually common is : 7) Will the past repeat itself and or will it be far worse than it? I shouldn't be thinking about all this.. But I guess I still can't control my own thoughts that much.. Such common common common things.. I feel lonely. Wait, isn't that what I always say? Sigh. Only Allah knows what's inside my head and my heart, and to Him I shall pray and to Him I shall seek guidance, and InsyaAllah, if Allah is willing, then everything will be at ease. PS : I know that this post is rather confusing. In fact, I'm confused of it myself. I can't even find the main topic on this post, and yet, I always do that with my other posts. Harharhar. Okay. I had successfully annoyed myself. -_-" 2:41 AM
Monday, May 21, 2012
The future begins... As an eighteen year old girl (not exactly eighteen, but will be in a few days. :P), I come to realize that I am no longer a child and time won't go back to the past. And in fact, I don't want it to go back somehow.. I want to move forward and face my future. I want to be in the future than to go back to the past.. Maybe because there were too many pains and sorrow felt in the past, or maybe I'm just a tad bit excited for the future, only God knows.. In my journey to adulthood, life lessons were learnt, and hardship were given. But, what my teachers had taught me : It isn't life without having to deal with problems. :) Unlike my other siblings, I used to go to my teachers for advice rather than to go to my own family.. I used to put friends first then family. I used to be so intact with my friends, that whenever my family forbade me to befriend them, I would go on a strike and become very very depressed for weeks, months even.. It's a wonder how I can get rid of those behaviors... Now.. Posting a blog is like a habit for me.. A habit that I had had ever since I was in Form 2 (I was fourteen and vulnerable, and somehow blogging seemed to ease away so many pains..) and usually, all my posts are very very very very (ridiculously) depressing. -_-" After years of fighting against depression on my own, I guess I'm way through it by now.. Hopefully, and thankfully. I'll be going to University College of Islamic Melaka this June, while waiting for my UPU (in which I failed for the first intake). But somehow, I think this is the right thing to do. My heart and mind told me so, and I believe in myself that this will be the right thing to do. I'll be studying for a diploma in counselling. And everyone knows just how much I had always wanted to be a psychologist slash counselor just like my counselors in high school. I want to become a clinical psychologist, though and not a high school counselor. And I'm hoping that maybe one day, I'll prove to them that I, too, can become someone like them. No one actually understand why I want to become a psychologist so bad. In fact, I don't know EXACTLY why either. -.-" The sad sad truth.. It's just that, I just want to. I just feel like I have to become one. I need to become one.. I crave to become one.. I dream to become one.. I usually get bad impressions about my ambition to become a psychologist.. And yes, I don't really blame them.. My personality actually doesn't really fit to become one.. Patience is something that I really need to improve, and anger is something that I really need to learn how to control.. Not to forget to be easily offended by words, to be easily depressed.. In fact, quite surprisingly, I can become depressed in so many occasions. But.. I will go through life holding on to my counselors' words : Never to give up and just move forward and smile. I don't even know and understand about the reason behind this post. :/ It's rather ridiculous if I were to say so.. Cause it's 2.26 am, and I really can't sleep. Well, I can, but I'm forcing myself not to. I feel lonely. :| Updates on life : 1) Went to the specialist on Friday : Doctor gave me some meds and ointments or whatever they are.. Nothing severe about my back, thank goodness.. And I quite like the way the doctor was, cause I had been to a specialist before, and I didn't quite like the one that I used to go to before.. :C 2) Took my chest X-ray for my medical check-up : Written on the report was (the 'IMPRESSION' part, I don't know.. What do I look like? :/) : 'Left fibrotic lung changes.' And the doctor told me it was nothing to be worried about, but I am very curious about what it means.. When I asked my sister (and yes, my sister is almost finish with her studies to become a doctor herself! :D So proud to have a clever sister like her.) she told me it was something about scar tissue on the lung.. Still don't understand, and I give up in wanting to understand it now. -_-" 3) Flight has been booked : Mom, abang and kecik will be with me until registration day, and then bye-bye will be said.. Le sad face. 4) I feel lonely.. Oh wait.. This is not an update. :| Adios. No one will read this anyway. Huahuahuaaaaaa.... -.-" This feels awkward. Need. Life. Now. K. Bye. Stop. Typing. Mar. Stop. It. Now. NOW! aiosjdoiawheoiuawheo PS : I am lonely. :C 2:33 AM
Thursday, May 10, 2012
The past... Sometimes the past haunts and taunts us whether we like it or not. It saddens me that I keep on walking through the path of my past and not looking forward like I had hoped for. It is true that without the past, there won't be the future. Research shows that with regret, people will grow to suffer depression more easily. I truly believe that. Well, guess that's what I'm doing, I guess. Put your head up high, Mar. It is not the end just yet... Current updates : 1) Plan B if my rayuan gets rejected : Go to Melaka and accept KUIM's offer for Diploma in Counselling. 2) The doctor told me I had mild scoliosis last week, and he suggest I go to a specialist for further investigation or whatever phrase doctors use. 3) I'm selling my amis key chains again, with a more suitable price. 4) I want to buy a new pair of shoes.. wait, that's not an update. Oh well. Bye. 10:57 PM
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Even if... Even if people give me a million dollars, I will never want to step into a high school and become a part of its community as a student! I can step into the school as a teacher or as a visitor, but never a student ever again. What I've been through for the past 5 years of high school has taught me enough and gave me more than enough pain and depression. The discrimination such teens can give and received, the judgments being thrown, and all those irrelevant dramas of just being different. 5 years of high school, and I only enjoyed only a quarter of it; the other three quarters were spent moping and crying. And yes, I have no one else to blame but myself. Although my heart truly says that statement is a lie, I'd rather force myself to believe in such statement. But, because of 5 years of being in high school that had led me to wanting in becoming someone of the Psychology field. Learning and understanding teenage behaviors and mental state of mind. I had always wanted to pursue in something that I can find that I can make a change in it. I had always wanted to pursue in something that I've been through and not let anyone else suffer it like how I did. Although what I had been through wasn't poverty and or other more terrible things, but having to be deceived and having to be judged just because I was different really change my whole perspective of life. And even though knowing it being a good choice and all, I still don't have my heart to go to school again. No. Never. I don't want to deal with all those emotional heartbreak ever again. Even though it's not the same school and all, but high school is just that very painful for me. And if I were to be reminded of high school, my heart just aches and I can and will have the possibility to suffer massive break down. :( I don't even think anyone can really understand it all. But all in all, having to change class when I was in Form 4 was the best thing ever. It changed me completely, and those last two years of high school being in a new class was enough for me to heal my heart from pain and sorrow (although still not healing properly now.). Anyway, not wanting to ruin anyone's view of Form 6 here, but I just hope that those who's going to take Form 6 will enjoy their lives. And I'm not saying that with a big annoying grin on my face and jeering, hell no. I'm saying that from the most bottom of my heart. Assalamualaikum. May Allah bless you all. :) 6:52 AM
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Patience... Despite having being accepted into Form 6 in Science stream class, I'd rather wait for UPU or start my studies a little late. :/I've already two offers for (almost) the same course (ie Psychology slash Counselling). And as everyone knows, my heart goes deeply into this course. UNFORTUNATELY, both the offers are from two private colleges. Le sad face much. :(Now I'm waiting for my UPU results which comes out next week, and I'm hoping for the best from it. I wish not to study anything else but this, and my heart aches every time I think of me studying anything else.. But not just simply anything though.. I can imagine myself studying Mathematical Science and or English education and or Linguistics...Patience is always the key, Mar. ----------------- On the other side of my education world, I've been feeling extremely overwhelmed with various kinds of emotions. Sadness is what my heart can't take. It isn't about my "me going to study soon" event, but it's about how deeply wounded our world is. Corruption, violence, crimes, etc.. Isn't it too much?I've been reading news about people going on mass murders, or kids are being too open on SEX and LOVE. What tears me apart when reading the news are news that involves people committing suicide. That, I can't handle to read. I find it rather sad to believe and read and understand the situation of these people who commits such disastrous event. We can't always put the blame on them. Even as a Muslim, suicide can sometimes pops up in mind, whether it is relevant or irrelevant to any events. What we are, are just humans. We are humans. Our minds play the most ridiculous things at times, but truthfully, if you put your heart to God, surely, death is something you wish you wouldn't do in your own hands. I find life to be very precious and beautiful.There may be ups and downs, but that's life. We can't expect to have a life with only the ups. Where's the fun in that, right? Try imagine riding in a roller coaster with the ride only going up.. You wouldn't feel the thrill in the ride, right? And every time it goes up, it goes slow. Didn't realize that, did you? But that's how life is when you relate it to a roller coaster. When the UPS in your life takes toll, it is slow, and you wouldn't understand or believe that anything bad could happen.Let's change it a little. What if the roller coaster only goes down? You would feel scared and scarred for life after the ride is over. (I don't actually mean scarred for life, it's just the way I emphasize certain topics. I exaggerate.) When the ride goes down, it feels like you're hanging on to dear life, and just wants to cry and scream and shout. Isn't it true? But there are some people who feel happy and excited when the ride goes down. That's the kind of people we should be during the DOWNS of our life.Now, when you put both the ups and the downs of the ride, wouldn't that make the ride memorable? Then, that is how life is. To make it feel precious and beautiful, you need to have both the ups and the downs. It may feel like when you're hitting the bottom of your life as something very stressful, but the downs of your life is what makes it precious. We work harder when we're hitting the bottom of our lives.Believe me, in my own experience, handling with teenage depression before wasn't easy. I closed my eyes and heart to the beauty of the world and life, but now, as I grew older, I begin to realize the mistake I did before and why I couldn't find peace and happiness. My soul is with is Islam, and Islam is what I love.People may look at me now as being a show-off and everything. They may even call me a 'PIOUS show-off'. But hey, rather than I get involved in stupid acts like SEX BEFORE MARRIAGES and ILLEGAL TOUCHING OF A MAN AND A WOMAN and other social ills, I'd rather be call PIOUS than being called a slut/whore/hooligan/delinquent.To make a change doesn't take only a day, nor a week. It takes time..And I believe Allah knows best.I am thankful for my life (with its ups and downs). So very thankful. 3:50 PM
|
Madza ya'ni My life is based on the phrases stated in the Quran, where Allah has told us : 51:56 "And [tell them that] I have not created the invisible beings and men to any end other than that they may [know and] worship Me." and also, 2:30 "Note that occasion, when your Rabb said to the angels: I am going to place a vicegerent on earth. The angels said: "Will You place there one who will make mischief and shed blood while we sing Your praises and glorify Your name?" Allah said: "I know what you know not."" Our purposes of life has been clearly stated in the Quran, So, why do we still to continue live otherwise? Greater people Clearly speaking, these people down here are just wonderful people. Give them a ring-a-ding-ding once in a while! :) Ira (1) Ira (2) Farahin APG (Inche Gabbana) |
